And if you're nice she might even show you that she's wearing no panties.

Oh, little puppy! Aren't you glad you're not Paris Hilton's? Oh, yes you are! Oh yes you are!

Is Paris Hilton ever going to get fat and sloppy? Maybe she's not even human, and will forever stay young and hot and kind of stupid. We hope. Those are amazing traits.

It's tiny, but it's there. And so is her crack. Crack is whack, but not on Paris.

Love or hate her, you all want to bang her.

Look very closely...Paris Hilton is retarded.

Paris kept her promises and immediately opened a shelter for women when she was released from jail. Here you can see her passing out soup to the needy. What a heart of gold!

Somebody stick a pin in her boobs and watch her shoot to the moon.

Of course she loves the cereal that is "fun to munch because it keeps its crunch".

If she thinks getting off The Pill and getting into baby-making position with a dude from Good Charlotte shows her new found maturity she's got another thing coming (a dumb baby).

An average of 11 people per theater when to see Paris' new movie this weekend. Those people were tricked by her Oompa Loompa PR man.

Reports of Paris being a lesbian are false, she's only into her own lady bits.

Paris Hilton is modeling for Fila, their first major endorsement since Grant Hill in 1995. She looks as confused as us.

Oh Paris, that stunning shade of "Recently gave a blow job" red really accents your smile… and the fact that you're an idiot.

After months of China sending us all their ass backwards products, the US finally retaliated by sending over Paris Hilton, in a free container marked "Penis Enlargement Cream."

We are not quite sure what this is, but its somewhat cute and incapable of running away. The excellent pet for your favorite Socialite.

Paris desperately holds tight to her last bit of dignity as she clutches a teddy bear and slips some nip.

Paris Hilton was violated as a hungry photog tried to snap a picture of her "ladyness". The pap, is now blind.

Paris Hilton has begun her promised change for the better. Here she is holding a baby without dropping it or feeding it Frosted Cocaine Flakes.

Paris went to a Playboy party last night dressed like Paris. Jail time can't keep a good slut down.