NERD DICE: When you're so socially retarded that doing anything is a gamble!

Oh, grandma gets so silly when she's drunk on her ass. Too bad she's gonna die soon.

Haley wrecked his car, Snakes switched to trains, and there’s no privacy at the sperm bank. Philip Norris is your man, although he’s too much of a pussy to go to the Middle East right now.

Here's an art house short film of Paris Hilton. It's so David Lynch dude. Totally. Indie till we die.

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid and Jessica Simpson are not just a bunch of sluts – they’re a bunch of sluts on popsicle sticks! In this episode, watch them as they’re about to die in an elevator!

Watch this kid almost die. Hilarious!

Do you have what it takes to be on the ultimate reality TV show? A reality show where you can actually die? Take this quiz to find out. Brought to you by Ratchet & Clank.

This week Bush will address the nation, Google loves the communists, Joaquin Phoenix almost dies, Chris Penn does die, and Clay Aiken is gay.

This year New Year’s Eve sucks, the donut man dies, New Orleans comes back to life, and your mom looks at porn.

Suck My News Weekly is a slanderous look at the week's news, hosted by the cranky and awesome Philip Norris.

The following stupid movie questions involve old people who are about to die (that means you, grandma!).

Find somebody with poor coordination and then watch them almost die when they take this test.

Don't be a wuss. See when you're going to die by taking this test.