You're going to end up at a lot of parties in the next 10 days. Some good, most horrendous. Here  are a few tips for getting out of a couple bad holiday situations.

Problem: Bad Party with more old people at it than you expected. What I do: Guerilla warfare. There's a laundry list of things you can do to destroy a party from within. Number one is clog the main toilet. This can shorten a party by hours, and if it's a small apartment with only one bathroom, you could bring it to a screeching halt right then and there. The best way to do this is with paper towels. Toilet paper is made to break up in water; paper towels are made to keep their structure as well as possible. Smuggle paper towels into the bathroom. This might be tough to pull off; if people are around, do it one at a time, like how Andy Dufresne smuggled the pieces of his cell wall into the yard in Shawshank Redemption. When you have a bunch, flush 'em. Once the problem is known to the host, say something like "thanks for having us, looks like you've got your hands full, though!"
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This bust of King Screech the 1st was discovered last week in a dumpster behind a mini-mall in Ohio.

The girl that Mr. Belding totally wanted to bang, but couldn't because of legal (and grossness) reasons, is pregnant.

This got us thinking: What would Tiffany Theissen's child look like if she made it with the Saved By The Bell cast members? Well, we ran the sperm of Zack, Slater, Screech and yes, Mr. Belding, through a BabyMaker app on the Knocked Up movie's website (science!) and it came up with the results below. We can only speculate that if any of these babies were to shoot out of Kelly Kopowski's crotch the doctor would most likely toss it into a trash bin. Or she will. Or we will. Who knows? These babies are pretty fricking 'tardy for the party (if you know what I'm saying).